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I may have figured out how to delete the pictures on my phone. Just maybe. I'm doing this because I don't know how to operate my $6000 worth of camera equipemnt. I have recently made good with the video function of my Nikkon. We may be friends. What sucks is that we have this conversation the night before. Our event is planned. Is it going to go over like we practiced together? We can manage the lighting and the steps. We're good.... and if we are not? I can hardly slam an expensive beast and it's pretty little parts I buy.

Yes, I do threaten not to buy them. It only makes the situation worse. You don't get the cool little corsage for your prom date? She's going to be pissed. She may not show it, but later on in post, we all wish we spent the money.

I have the cutest little kids in the world. They hold me back from being an artist in all ways, but they are just so fucking cute. And who's to say. Maybe in the future, they will help me. They help me now. Lilly and Phoebe. ADHD and I won't go to sleep EVER.

With my Nan and Poppa dead, and my mom is.. well, not a great granny.. it's all in.

So, what do I do? Do I just be a slave to the $? I'm thinking so. The insurance is good, the bonus is good. I can run the numbers. I can manage. I can rock a spread sheet these days.

So is that what I do? I guess it is. I'm a baby sitter of a shit-load of people and rock some speradheet functions. Analysis. Coaching. YAY.

It's fine. They pay me.
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I want to play a song.
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Fuck YOU. Fuck your fast questions, I have your quick answers!! Fuck your culture. That shit comes from the top down bitches! You want my advice??? I have closer friends in other companies. FUCK YOU. You want me to write your manuals, chastise your employees, and triumph at your game? Well, of course I'm your girl as long as I'm whoring my services at amount that counts!

Fuck you. You know better than to lead with secrecy. Your going to get busted. You can not expect me to do the same. I'm not sitting down with you in your little club in agreement. No way. A good leader is transparent. Honest. Good or bad. I can not lead leaving others in question.

I don't like to be left in question....

To your credit I'm left to my own devices
I'm in question constantly
I don't walk into your office without an answer.... EVER

Is this a way to live, or can we compromise?
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Is it not bewitching?

I dunno. Nor, do I care.

I have a heavy heart these days. I need to let things go and be and float on in their own little merry ways. I have a child which is certainly ADD, but she's still great. Another who is just fucking three. THREE. AWESOME.

She, Phoebe, was strange tonight. I can't say I have not been waiting for a moment like this... Perhaps I'm reading too much into it.

I put her to bed for the third time and lay beside her. She indicated suddenly she was looking for all of my old things when I was a baby. The stuff in the basement I did not play with. "You know mom, that old dirty jack in the box." Went on and on about a "Jack in the box". WTF No idea.

This may be fine. I have old stuff in her grandma's basement. Normal thing that could be said. Jack in the box with a twirl? That's common. I asked her where the toy was and she led me to her room and to a closet where there was NO JAKC IN THE BOX! LOL

It was late, but I think this is the weirdest conversation I've had with a kid. I have two. 3 yrs and 6 yrs. I'm pretty certain we are not haunted, but we are getting ready to move. It was after 10 pm and I had done the step and repeat put kid to bed routine when she started up with the jack in the box. Man, I dunno.

No Jack Here...


And then I never post again!!! hahahaha
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My mom is sleeping in my kid's bedroom.

I just bought a really stellar razor gift for my husband, that's engraved with his initials, for father's day.

I'm having a girls day with my girls, mom, and aunt at a circus tomorrow.

I don't go back to work till next week.

I was given a gift of enough money to move out of my tiny house.

Life may be ok.

There is so much to write about and bitch about and think about. I'm going ZEN on this post. No future, no past, just present. What else does one have? Especially with five days off work which are ahead.

Well, being in the zen mode.... my present looks pretty decent.

Fuck the rest of the turmoil. :)


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So, I'm not really sure I dig a shit ton of responsibility, but that is "what is" eh?

It's what it is man. I can dig it. I can do it. I may kill... a bug.

So I am mid-move. I know what to say about that. It's been home improvement hell for over 2.5 months. I left a previous marriage for this man, and I don't regret it. I'm not pleased with the deal he made when he purchased the home we live in. The choice was not mine to make, however it is mine to make better.

I always thought we were severely underwater on this tiny house. Four people and a dog in around 768 square feet. Realtors think it will sell. It's apparently a seller's market. I received just enough money from my Poppa's death to move. Sure, I could be sane and pay off my debts and wait for a sale like a normal person. While browsing open houses, as well as a different builders, my hubby and I saw a "new homes" sign. It was the first place we browsed while looking for houses and could not get over it. Loved the neighborhood as well as the builder... and they only had a few lots left.

So we signed.

A few months later.. We are approved to own to homes, and we don't have that kind of money. We can rent the one we are in if it does not sell, however.... We have put in all new cabinets and counter tops, painted all rooms, put a new roof on, installed new plumbing, drywalled a bathroom, and more. FUCK THAT! I should have called HGTV and told them I need a show! My kids are cute!

Rolling the dice and listing it this weekend. There is still shit that needs done, but I'm NOT doing it. My family is done. My kids are going crazy. I'm going to kill... bugs.

So here is to life, God, fate and what it is.... I don't think I've ever really had that. It feels a bit surreal, but potentially, I could have awesome luck, or supremely poor luck, either could change my fate forever. I like it. All in all, none of it really matters. I'll be ok unless I get run over by a bus or some weird shit. Life goes on.

The new house I am building is awesome. I do hope to get the keys this August. If I don't, well, I'll kill a bug.
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I took my two small children to their first hibachi dinner. I should have known this would turn to shit. I need to learn when I suspect a situation with my children will go wrong I should run away and figure out how to make shit right.

I'm pretty sure Lilly was in a fire in her past life. The first time she saw a fire in a restaurant she screamed so loud it scared other guests. A cheese-bread was lit on fire and all yelled "OOMPAH." Should be fun. Lilly fucking screamed bloody murder. She was 1.5 then. She is almost 6 now and still refuses to participate in 4th of July celebrations. Japanese onion volcanos with fire are strictly out unless she's in the bathroom or under the table.

Because I'm what... what am I? Hateful? no Observant? no Inquisitive? Perhaps... There were three little girls at a hibachi table opposite ours. I was trying to convince Lilly to be brave based upon their behavior. As we were talking, little girls eyeing one another, a small sister stabbed my example girl incredibly hard in the arm with chopsticks. It hurt and she cried and I laughed so hard I almost hid under the table! Were they scared of the volcano fire? A little. But they did not cry like my baby babies. (I was nice) I loved that little slice of life. I watch sisters slam down one another every day. That chopstick stabbing was classic, and hurt! I did relate that lesson and plus got Lilly a cool Japanese birthday headband when it was not her b-day.

Managing a team of supposed graphic designers sucks. More on that. I can't take it. I need more money. Don't we all. Details are for my next post.

Good night, good luck, God bless, have great sex!
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Number One: Keep a journal again.

Number two: Acknowledge the fact I am awesome and kick ass.

Number three: Fuck off if you don't think so.

Number four: Be a better artist.

Number five: Fuck YOU.

Number six: I am a good manager, coach and leader. I'm a great motivator. I am humble and honest. So FUCK YOU. :)

Number seven: I must forgive myself for my mistakes just like I forgive others. Just like Jesus baby!

Number eight: I think I made a fucking mistake, I corrected it. I want to die.

Number 9: We'll all forget because John and Yoko did. I'll make a number nine song.

Number 10. There is another great Beatle song that reflects a great number. 10 I love you.
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So, I went to a sporting event today. STL Blues Hockey playoff. So many people at work were jealous as if it was some sort of birthday treat. I really did not care. In fact, I was kind of disappointed. I don't care that they lost. They always loose. A win is just some sort of parallel universe bonus. I go for the energy. The crowd. The drug of high highs and low beers. I felt is was mellow. Perhaps that's why the wins and losses are not consistent. Then again, perhaps people should never bring my un-lucky fingernails anywhere!

People decided to decorate my desk at work today. Same old birthday sign. I tore it down and stuck my pieces of tape to it just like everyone else. I did pop the balloons with little notice and scared the girl who made cupcakes. AWESOME. I brought home a 3lb box of coffee cake/cup cake I will never eat. I'm a bit salty, but I'll try my best to make people feel good while I sample their cakes.

So, 38. Sunday. That's how old I'll be. 38. I get a nice weekend of beer drinking, sports games and just a general lack of responsibility. Why? Well, at 38, and not quite 40, I figure I have a couple of good years. I may have to make up new rounds of excuses at 40.

I'm not sure why I still get ID for beer. I don't think I look 21. I just makes me confused. Maybe I should keep paying for the expensive face cream.

So, I just want to admit a bit. Some little fact. Just a tiny bit. It's getting better, this life. I'm not bored as much, but I'm going to have to admit I'm bored. Not just with my life within the walls I've purchased and those I've chose to surround myself in regards to profession. I'm not really bored, ,but I'm stationary. Comfortable. (And then behind "comfortables" back, I'm crazy.


Lots of beer at the hockey game and now, at home, bored. Wish The phone was some sort of option. Everyones' scared of stanger danger. I'm scared of bad paragraphs.

Oh, so tired. :0 Love you.
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Hey, you know I had a great day.

It was a simple day. One that included going to the conference room everyone in my sector of the company is working and attempting to work myself. Artist on the fly! Hell, that's no longer a weakness on my SWOT.

Who the fuck wants to write a SWOT anyone? You know what that is? Strengths Weakness Opportunities Threats. SWOT. Cool. A great chance to take an opportunity to tell your boss how well you can write and benefit yourself and the company. And a big chance to tell them to fuck off bitches! I'm a decent writer, a good graphic artist that make you money, so fucking give me a mother-fucking raise you cunt! hahahaha

So I had a great day. I've been working from home three days a week. The days I go into work are most cool. I miss people. It's rare and it's only certain people, but I'm kinda glad when I go in two days a week instead of five.

My home computer rules more. I can't focus with conversations constantly getting in my way. And really... REALLY

You want to make me some sort of team leader? PAY. You want me to keep filling your manager, that can not tell people the truth (it's not easy to hear for artists.. myself included), with ideas? My ideas? FUCK YOU. Yes, I'll keep giving them because they are good... but do you want me to stay? PAY. I hope they do. I'd be likely to stay anyhow.

I think I'm doing something that's slightly cool. I'm motivating other people to do shit. Why? I have no idea. But they are starting to listen. The art department I'm in.. I just gave a big speech about who watches when they post to our stupid little Facebook shit that we are supposed to share our art in. Today, my buddy and co-worker posted something he did that was AWESOME. My BOSS was the first to comment. I tell these people that!!!

I should not loose my head in an ego I can't own. At the same time, I'm being promoted because I am a good artist, and a good leader. Should I be scared to own that? I don't really know. I'm going to try as it's working. I have the support of those around me. And then I get cool responses.

That's a weakness.. Being scared to control anything. It's not always good enough just to be cool at what you do. Or is it? What do I want it to be? One good thing about being in control, having everyone behind me, is that I can fly my freak flag and be aloof. A boss never should be best friends with employees. There it is. Elephant in the room that I already addressed. Shitballs. Do I want that? Do I want to be a boss of anyone? Maybe. I want the paycheck. And three out of the four people I work with completely get my style of "FUCK YOU" management.

Listen, I get what you are good at and what you are not. I get that for myself. And that statement, right there, is probably why I find myself looking at a situation where I'm being promoted. I'm not good at everything when it comes to the nature of my job.

I've got hell of debt, two little girls I'm raising, and I'm still fucking going to work with a smile on my face and making shit happen for the company I sell my soul to. Yes. I am. I do. Why? I'm an artist.

My brothers both work for WalMart and make assloads of money. Assloads you ask? Over 100,000k per year. Way more than I do. They sacrifice much more than I do. Most of my family member do.

You know, I live in a small house. I'm writing this in my journal today because it's one minuscule time I have to myself because I chose to stay up late as hell and I know I'm working from home tomorrow. :)

I joined a book club. Bunch of gals I work with who will never get me. Why did I do that? I'm focusing on normal.

Here.. A poem.

what a day in the life
something I forget and

what i know is love
just a little bit
just like home

i remember friends
the best and
then i forget

what matters?
you, and you always

everyday, you matter
I'll never forget

take me home
i love you

So, that's it. Peace!
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