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It's 3 AM. Just got back from 4 days of DisneyWorld. Just bought a new car. Got drunk with my best friend and she's to scared to tell me what's really on her mind. I know what it is, but that's ok. I put a pillow under her head, got her a blanket, and a remote. My basement is AWESOME.

I'm not worried about because why pry. Why create friction. There are so many little easy things I can do to care. I'm good with that. :) I love her and don't care if she does not want to confide in me. I'm good.

She attempted to tell me I'm unhappy. With my kids. With my husband. Etc. I told her I'm unhappy a lot however I love my life. I try to embrace the challenges when I can't stand it. We're all the same no matter the circumstance. Human. Shit can suck.

So I love you too! :) Good night.
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Alcoholism, vacation, VACATION

YES. I am going on vacation tomorrow! Officially, 5:30 pm today. Around 4:30 I sent the last of my finalized 6 MO data report to my boss, sent another report to her boss, and called it quit. The deal was sealed by my out of office email along with a voicemail message change. IT'S DONE. 

I don't return for two Mondays. I know there is a song in there. 2 Mondays, the second Monday, Fuck the Monday I'm gone. I'm gone and your are Monday! I love you Sunday! LOL. 

I've determined (secret people) in my brain my goal once more may be to write. It always starts with a journal. It's really bullshit if I don't write here. I am looking at reddit. I don't geddit . I'm old. I'll work on that. 

I really miss writing and I completely understand that I should. Not for you or anyone else. I should just forget about being judged and just write.

One good thing is that this app is on my phone. Im going to roll. 

I love you!!!


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I may have figured out how to delete the pictures on my phone. Just maybe. I'm doing this because I don't know how to operate my $6000 worth of camera equipemnt. I have recently made good with the video function of my Nikkon. We may be friends. What sucks is that we have this conversation the night before. Our event is planned. Is it going to go over like we practiced together? We can manage the lighting and the steps. We're good.... and if we are not? I can hardly slam an expensive beast and it's pretty little parts I buy.

Yes, I do threaten not to buy them. It only makes the situation worse. You don't get the cool little corsage for your prom date? She's going to be pissed. She may not show it, but later on in post, we all wish we spent the money.

I have the cutest little kids in the world. They hold me back from being an artist in all ways, but they are just so fucking cute. And who's to say. Maybe in the future, they will help me. They help me now. Lilly and Phoebe. ADHD and I won't go to sleep EVER.

With my Nan and Poppa dead, and my mom is.. well, not a great granny.. it's all in.

So, what do I do? Do I just be a slave to the $? I'm thinking so. The insurance is good, the bonus is good. I can run the numbers. I can manage. I can rock a spread sheet these days.

So is that what I do? I guess it is. I'm a baby sitter of a shit-load of people and rock some speradheet functions. Analysis. Coaching. YAY.

It's fine. They pay me.
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I want to play a song.
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Fuck YOU. Fuck your fast questions, I have your quick answers!! Fuck your culture. That shit comes from the top down bitches! You want my advice??? I have closer friends in other companies. FUCK YOU. You want me to write your manuals, chastise your employees, and triumph at your game? Well, of course I'm your girl as long as I'm whoring my services at amount that counts!

Fuck you. You know better than to lead with secrecy. Your going to get busted. You can not expect me to do the same. I'm not sitting down with you in your little club in agreement. No way. A good leader is transparent. Honest. Good or bad. I can not lead leaving others in question.

I don't like to be left in question....

To your credit I'm left to my own devices
I'm in question constantly
I don't walk into your office without an answer.... EVER

Is this a way to live, or can we compromise?
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Is it not bewitching?

I dunno. Nor, do I care.

I have a heavy heart these days. I need to let things go and be and float on in their own little merry ways. I have a child which is certainly ADD, but she's still great. Another who is just fucking three. THREE. AWESOME.

She, Phoebe, was strange tonight. I can't say I have not been waiting for a moment like this... Perhaps I'm reading too much into it.

I put her to bed for the third time and lay beside her. She indicated suddenly she was looking for all of my old things when I was a baby. The stuff in the basement I did not play with. "You know mom, that old dirty jack in the box." Went on and on about a "Jack in the box". WTF No idea.

This may be fine. I have old stuff in her grandma's basement. Normal thing that could be said. Jack in the box with a twirl? That's common. I asked her where the toy was and she led me to her room and to a closet where there was NO JAKC IN THE BOX! LOL

It was late, but I think this is the weirdest conversation I've had with a kid. I have two. 3 yrs and 6 yrs. I'm pretty certain we are not haunted, but we are getting ready to move. It was after 10 pm and I had done the step and repeat put kid to bed routine when she started up with the jack in the box. Man, I dunno.

No Jack Here...


And then I never post again!!! hahahaha
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My mom is sleeping in my kid's bedroom.

I just bought a really stellar razor gift for my husband, that's engraved with his initials, for father's day.

I'm having a girls day with my girls, mom, and aunt at a circus tomorrow.

I don't go back to work till next week.

I was given a gift of enough money to move out of my tiny house.

Life may be ok.

There is so much to write about and bitch about and think about. I'm going ZEN on this post. No future, no past, just present. What else does one have? Especially with five days off work which are ahead.

Well, being in the zen mode.... my present looks pretty decent.

Fuck the rest of the turmoil. :)


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So, I'm not really sure I dig a shit ton of responsibility, but that is "what is" eh?

It's what it is man. I can dig it. I can do it. I may kill... a bug.

So I am mid-move. I know what to say about that. It's been home improvement hell for over 2.5 months. I left a previous marriage for this man, and I don't regret it. I'm not pleased with the deal he made when he purchased the home we live in. The choice was not mine to make, however it is mine to make better.

I always thought we were severely underwater on this tiny house. Four people and a dog in around 768 square feet. Realtors think it will sell. It's apparently a seller's market. I received just enough money from my Poppa's death to move. Sure, I could be sane and pay off my debts and wait for a sale like a normal person. While browsing open houses, as well as a different builders, my hubby and I saw a "new homes" sign. It was the first place we browsed while looking for houses and could not get over it. Loved the neighborhood as well as the builder... and they only had a few lots left.

So we signed.

A few months later.. We are approved to own to homes, and we don't have that kind of money. We can rent the one we are in if it does not sell, however.... We have put in all new cabinets and counter tops, painted all rooms, put a new roof on, installed new plumbing, drywalled a bathroom, and more. FUCK THAT! I should have called HGTV and told them I need a show! My kids are cute!

Rolling the dice and listing it this weekend. There is still shit that needs done, but I'm NOT doing it. My family is done. My kids are going crazy. I'm going to kill... bugs.

So here is to life, God, fate and what it is.... I don't think I've ever really had that. It feels a bit surreal, but potentially, I could have awesome luck, or supremely poor luck, either could change my fate forever. I like it. All in all, none of it really matters. I'll be ok unless I get run over by a bus or some weird shit. Life goes on.

The new house I am building is awesome. I do hope to get the keys this August. If I don't, well, I'll kill a bug.
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I took my two small children to their first hibachi dinner. I should have known this would turn to shit. I need to learn when I suspect a situation with my children will go wrong I should run away and figure out how to make shit right.

I'm pretty sure Lilly was in a fire in her past life. The first time she saw a fire in a restaurant she screamed so loud it scared other guests. A cheese-bread was lit on fire and all yelled "OOMPAH." Should be fun. Lilly fucking screamed bloody murder. She was 1.5 then. She is almost 6 now and still refuses to participate in 4th of July celebrations. Japanese onion volcanos with fire are strictly out unless she's in the bathroom or under the table.

Because I'm what... what am I? Hateful? no Observant? no Inquisitive? Perhaps... There were three little girls at a hibachi table opposite ours. I was trying to convince Lilly to be brave based upon their behavior. As we were talking, little girls eyeing one another, a small sister stabbed my example girl incredibly hard in the arm with chopsticks. It hurt and she cried and I laughed so hard I almost hid under the table! Were they scared of the volcano fire? A little. But they did not cry like my baby babies. (I was nice) I loved that little slice of life. I watch sisters slam down one another every day. That chopstick stabbing was classic, and hurt! I did relate that lesson and plus got Lilly a cool Japanese birthday headband when it was not her b-day.

Managing a team of supposed graphic designers sucks. More on that. I can't take it. I need more money. Don't we all. Details are for my next post.

Good night, good luck, God bless, have great sex!
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Number One: Keep a journal again.

Number two: Acknowledge the fact I am awesome and kick ass.

Number three: Fuck off if you don't think so.

Number four: Be a better artist.

Number five: Fuck YOU.

Number six: I am a good manager, coach and leader. I'm a great motivator. I am humble and honest. So FUCK YOU. :)

Number seven: I must forgive myself for my mistakes just like I forgive others. Just like Jesus baby!

Number eight: I think I made a fucking mistake, I corrected it. I want to die.

Number 9: We'll all forget because John and Yoko did. I'll make a number nine song.

Number 10. There is another great Beatle song that reflects a great number. 10 I love you.
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